Corporate Jokes (To make us light)

1. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

2. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

3. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

4. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

5. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Who is a Psychiatrist?

A qualified person who gives you an expensive and critical analysis about yourself, which your wife gives for free, daily too..!

Post Office job interview

Gordon goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes – coffee.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?"

Gordon says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “O.K. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day.”

Gordon is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?”

“This is a government job,” the inter-viewer says.
“For the first two hours; we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching. No point you coming in for that.”

The real problem does not start when a boy starts looking at girl.
It begins when she turn back and gives a smile.

Imagine
U & I join NASA
After 1 month
The Americans will have to change the name from NASA to… sarvanasa

The trouble with the world is that,
The stupid’s are full of confidence and the intelligents are full of doubts

Walking Eagle

On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, ex-prime minister of the UK, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a carbon trading tax for the UK and Europe.

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name – walking eagle.

A much chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair.

They explained that walking eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

Five Temptations of a CEO – Five

Even CEOs who resist the temptation to protect their status, to be popular with their direct reports, to take correct decisions, and to create harmony sometimes fail. Because even though they are willing to create productive conflict, their people may not be willing to do so. Because the CEO gives in to the final temptation – the desire for invulnerability. They mistakenly believe that they lose their credibility if their people feel too comfortable challenging their ideas.

No matter how much these CEOs encourage productive conflict, they do not achieve it because it doesn’t seem safe to their people, who are unwilling to enter the fray. As a result these reports position themselves around the inferred opinion of the CEO and conflict with one another only if it is politically expedient.

Advice to CEOS: Actively encourage people to challenge your ideas. Trust them with your reputation and your ego. As a CEO this is the greatest level of trust that you can give. They will return it with respect and honesty, and with a desire to be vulnerable among their peers.

_ From “The Five Temptations of CEO” by Patrick Lencioni_

“The Cockroach Theory for Self-development – Response Vs Reaction At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady. She started screaming out of fear. With a panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach. Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky. The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but …it landed on another lady in the group. Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue. In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter. The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt. When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant. Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, Was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behavior? If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed? He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.

It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that disturbed the ladies. I realized that, it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it’s my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me. It’s not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me. More than the problem, it’s my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

*Lessons learnt from the story: I understood, I should not react in life. I should always respond. The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded. Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of, just and right to save a situation from going out of hand, to avoid cracks in relationship, to avoid taking decisions in anger, anxiety, stress or hurry. Let’s all Practice this – Let’s RESPOND, NOT REACT !!!"