Face recognizion feature

As Steve Jobs is now in heaven, the Apsaras are now called iTems.

You really can’t beat the Jews!

A few years ago, Joseph (a Jew ) was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase.

At the Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous customs officer who glared at him and snarled, “Open the case!” Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin. “What is that?” snarled the customs officer. “What is that?” said Joseph timidly. “You shouldn’t ask ‘What is that?’ – you should ask ‘Who is that?’ That is our glorious leader Stalin. I’m taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind.” “I always knew that you Jews were mad!” said the official, tossing the bust into the case. “Go!”

A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. “Shalom. Welcome to Israel. Open the case!” Once again Joseph’s belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. “What is that?” said the customs officer. “What is that?” said Joseph indignantly. “You shouldn’t ask ‘What is that?’ – you should ask ‘Who is that?’ That is the bastard, Stalin. I’m taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life.” “I always knew that you Russians were mad!” said the official, tossing the bust into the case. “Go!”

At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got around to unpacking, watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on a table. “Who is that?” asked his nephew. “Who is that?” said Joseph with a smile. “You shouldn’t ask, ‘Who is that?’ – You should ask, ‘What is that?’ That is five kilos of gold and just a bit of black shoe polish”

Accountants

Three accountants were in the bathroom, standing at the urinals.

The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully.
He used 3 paper towels and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.
Turning to the other two accountants, he said, “At Price Waterhouse Coopers, we are trained to be extremely thorough.”

The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands.
He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turned and said, “At KPMG, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.”

The third accountant finished, pulled up his zipper and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder,
“At Shah & Patel, we don’t piss on our hands.”

Just an ordinary day at work when OHMYGOD CUTENESS OVERLOAD!

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6.. Great Bear of Wall Street?

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.

Charles Schwab,

Died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,

Edward Hopson,

Went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,

Richard Whitney,

Was released from prison

To die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,

Arthur Cooger,

Died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of

The Bank of International Settlement,

Shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,

Cosabee Livermore,

Also committed suicide

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB!

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back After 6 hours and then analyse The situation..

If they are counting the
Bricks.
Put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in Auditing ..

If they have messed up the
Whole place with the bricks.
Put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the
Bricks in some strange order.
Put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the
Bricks at each other.
Put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks Into pieces.
Put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried
Different combinations, yet
Not a brick has Been moved, put them in Sales.

If they have already left for
The day.
Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the
Window.
Put them on Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each
Other and not a single brick
Has been Moved.

Congratulate them and put them
in
Top Management..

Senior Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the

cafeteria for coffee.

He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.

To Kill time he decides to have fun with him.

He calls him.

Senior Manager – (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?

Canteen boy smiles…

Senior Manager – what are your future plans?

Canteen boy keeps quiet…

Senior Manager – where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?

Canteen boy gives a cold stare.

Senior Manager – Jab mai Bangalore aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch
nahi
tha…… Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai…

naam hai……….,

shohrat hai………,

paisa hai…………

Izzat Hai……………,

tumhare paas kya hai?

Scroll down to find out his answer

Don’t think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki ‘Mere
paas
Maa hain’

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Canteen boy – Sa’ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai……..Jo Tumare pas
naheen

Who says We dont exercise?

but

We “Jump” to conclusion.

We “Throw” our weight around.

We “Twist” the truth.

We “Stretch” the lies.

We “Bend” the rules.

We “Push” our luck..

Pearls of wisdom :

Forget about the changing the country ……
Once you are married you can’t even change the channel on TV

Santa roti kha raha tha aur pass baithi murgi ko bhi khila rha tha.

Banta:Ye kya kar rhe ho?

Chicken ke sath roti kha raha hu,
Navratre chal rahe hain

Santa ke Ghar NAVJOT SINGH SIDDHU ki Tasvir Lagi huvi Thi…

Banta: Ye Kyon Laga Rakhi He..?

Santa: LAUGHING BUDDHA Lene Gaya Tha…Dukandar ne Kaha Ye LATEST Hai.

At the barber shop

Mitt Romney and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Romney in his chair reached for the aftershave. Romney was quick to stop him saying,

‘No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.’

The second barber turned to Obama and said, ‘How about you sir?’ Obama replied,

‘Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’