https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1441275
Alpha.Barood
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Corporate Jokes (To make us light)
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This emails sent by my friend PR
3 PARROTS
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
“Rs. 2500.”, the man said. "Well what does he do?
“He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
“He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters.”
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, “Rs. 10,000.”
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird’s specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything.
But the other two call him " BOSS"!!
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1442539
My friend decided to pose with the mannequins at the mall.
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1442543
This (almost) made shopping worth it.
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1442547
Just took a maths final with this on the wall of the exam room. It has formulas on that were needed in the exam. This poster got me an extra ~10% on the paper
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1442557
I would definitely ride this to work.
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1444584
गृह मंत्रालय के बम धमाका हेल्प लाइन में आपका स्वागत है…
अभी ताजे-ताजे हुए धमाकों की जानकारी के लिए 1 दबाएं।
धमाकों पर गृह मंत्री के प्री रेकॉर्डेड सदाबहार बयानों के लिए 2 दबाएं।
धमाकों पर प्रधानमंत्री की निंदा और कड़े कदम उठाने के बयानों के लिए 3 दबाएं।
धमाकों पर प्रधानमंत्री के और ज्यादा कड़े कदमों के बयान के लिए 4 दबाएं।
किसी ने धमाकों की जिम्मेदारी ली या नहीं ये जानने के लिए 5 दबाएं।
धमाकों पर दिग्विजय सिंह के RSS का हाथ है वाले बयान के लिए 6 दबाएं।
गलती से अगर कोइ आतंकी पकड़ा गया है और उसे कोंग्रेस सरकारी दामाद बनाने जा
रही है तो उसका नाम जानने के लिए 7 दबाएं।
आतंकी का कोइ धर्म नहीं होता जैसे बयानों के लिए 8 दबाएं।
अगर आपका कोइ अपना इन धमाकों में मारा गया है तो गांधी जी की रामधुन सुनाने
के लिए 9 दबाएं।
पिछले मेनू है ही नहीं, इसलिए ये मेनू फिर से सुनने के लिए 0 दबाएं।
और अगर आप खुद धमाके का शिकार हुए हैं, और अभी तक जिन्दा हैं तो अपना गला
दबाएं।
कॉल करने के लिए धन्यवाद, केन्द्र सरकार के बचे हुए साल आपके लिए शुभ हों
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1444590
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
*Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. *
‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband.
He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down rather perturbed.
He calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation
*‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’ *
The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’
(You’re going to love this…………You’re going to hate yourself for loving this!)
‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter,
*’I bring you Peeking Duck!’ *
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1447573
Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
i am rather vary of appending my name at this point of the email!!
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1448027
I heard paper towels are hitting the front page today.
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1448029
Scaring the shit out of your boss
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1450099
A story about India’s Prime minister Late Shri Morarji Desai (nararted today by Swami Ishatmanandaji Maharaj, Ramakrishna Mission Branch, Homer Glen, near Chicago:
When Mr. Desai was young, he was looking for a job. He was quite poor and had to borrow a suitable dress to appear in the interview for an important job. However, after a series of tests/interviews, he was not selected. There was only one job vacancy and he came in the 2nd place (just one mark short of the top candidate).
After the interview, the panel members called him and expressed their sadness to him as they were fairly impressed by him. They had expected that Mr. Desai would tell them that as he was from a poor family, he needed the job very badly.However, Shri Desai mentioned : "I am not sorry at all. I did my best for this interview.
Perhaps, God wants me to take a better job and that is why I failed by a very narrow margin". As we all know, Mr. Desai later became India’s Prime Minister.
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1450100
A story about India’s Prime minister Late Shri Morarji Desai (nararted today by Swami Ishatmanandaji Maharaj, Ramakrishna Mission Branch, Homer Glen, near Chicago:
When Mr. Desai was young, he was looking for a job. He was quite poor and had to borrow a suitable dress to appear in the interview for an important job. However, after a series of tests/interviews, he was not selected. There was only one job vacancy and he came in the 2nd place (just one mark short of the top candidate).
After the interview, the panel members called him and expressed their sadness to him as they were fairly impressed by him. They had expected that Mr. Desai would tell them that as he was from a poor family, he needed the job very badly.However, Shri Desai mentioned : "I am not sorry at all. I did my best for this interview.
Perhaps, God wants me to take a better job and that is why I failed by a very narrow margin". As we all know, Mr. Desai later became India’s Prime Minister.
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1451390
The Bull Trial
A big-city lawyer was representing the rail-road in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the rail-road passed.
The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the rail road immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied:
“Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning.”
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1451514
1st year students of MBBS were attending their 1st anatomy class.
They all gathered around the surgery table with a real dead dog.
The Professor started class by telling two important qualities as a Doctor.
The 1st is that NEVER BE DISGUSTED FOR ANYTHING ABOUT BODY,
e.g. He inserted his finger in dog’s mouth & on drawing back tasted it in his own mouth.
Then he said them to do the same.
The students hesitated for several minutes.
But eventually everyone inserted their fingers in dog’s mouth & then tasted it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:
The most important 2nd quality is OBSERVATION, I inserted my Middle finger but tasted the Index finger.
Now learn to pay attention.
Moral:
Life is tough but it’s a lot tougher when you are not paying attention
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1453033
Battle of the wits
An Afghan, upon landing at Islamabad Airport, introduced himself to a Pakistan Immigration Officer as Ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.
The Pakistani officer was surprised, and asked:
“But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping?”
The Afghan replied with choicest abuses:
“Oye …..ki aulad, don’t you have a Minister for Law & justice
https://www.desidime.com/comments/permalink/1453050
A young Banker decided to get his first tailor made suit.
So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.
A week later he went in for his first fitting.He put on the suit and he looked stunning. He felt that in this suit he could do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a Banker?”
The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”
The tailor quipped, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
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