Corporate Jokes (To make us light)

Keep Your Face to the Sun and
You will not see the Shadow.

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of wine one year ago, drank all the wine, then turned in the bottles for the recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and be sure to recycle.

Let people you care about know this…
and tell them to start now!!!

A man attended an interview for a job.
Along the corridor, he picked up a piece and threw it into a dustbin.
The interviewer passed by and saw it.
This man got the job.

Moral of the story:

Live with good habits, and you will be recognized.

A small boy worked as an apprentice in a bicycle shop.
A man sent a bicycle for repair.
After repairing the bicycle, this boy cleaned up the bicycle and it looked like a new one.
Other apprentices laughed at him for doing redundant work.
The second day after the owner claimed the bicycle back, this boy was pinched and offered a job.

Moral of the story :

1.Go the extra mile to be successful.
2. Doing more gains more Doing less loses more.

‘Books are as useful to a stupid person
as a mirror is useful to a blind person.’

This is a story of a newly rich Punjabi couple who having come into money were forever boasting of their acquisitions: a brand new imported car (not one sold by S.T.C), video-cds, hi-fi, original paintings. ‘‘And, of course, our food is always cooked in asli ghee’’, said the wife proudly, ‘‘no dalda or shalda in our kitchen’’.
Once holidaying in Juhu beach in Bombay the husband went out of his depth and was just saved from drowning. A doctor was quickly summoned. ‘‘Nothing to worry’’, exclaimed the medico, ‘‘I will give him artificial respiration and he will be alright in a jiffy.’’

• ‘‘No you won’t’’, for my husband it will have to be real respiration or nothing’’.*

https://i.imgur.com/gallery/m...Xq

STELLA AWARDS

It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’!
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee.
You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.
Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S.
You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella’s for year — 2013:

*
SEVENTH PLACE
*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.
The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son

Start scratching!

*
SIXTH PLACE
*

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour’s hubcaps.

Scratch some more…

*
FIFTH PLACE
*

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.
Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.
Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the home-owner’s insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more…

Double hand scratching after this one..

*
FOURTH PLACE
*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot..

*
THIRD PLACE
*
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tail bone.
The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Only two more so ease up on the scratching…

SECOND PLACE

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth.
Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.
Go figure.

OK. Here we go!!

*
FIRST PLACE
*

This year’s runaway

First Place
Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.
On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the free-way, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the free way, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set.
The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
h1. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

“When the Christian missionaries arrived, the Africans had the land, and the Christian missionaries had the Bible. They taught us how to pray, with our eyes closed. When we opened them (our eyes), they (the Christian missionaries) had the land, and we had the Bible.”
―Jomo Kenyatta

A rich Arab travelling on an, Air-India plane sees a pretty air-hostess, and rushes to the captain.

“I want to buy that air-hostess” he says.

Captain: You can’t buy the air-hostess, she belongs to the plane.

Arab: Then I want to buy the plane.

Captain: You can’t buy the plane; it belongs to Air-India.

Arab: Then I want to buy Air-India

Captain: You can’t buy Air-India; it belongs to the, Government of India.

Arab: Then I want to buy the Government of India…

Captain: Sorry, chum. The Government of India has already been sold by Sonia Gandhi.