Corporate Jokes (To make us light)

My Job Search!

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Just couldn’t concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, But just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn’t suited for it — mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in Starbucks,
But I had to quit because it was the same old grind.

5. Then, I tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it…. I couldn’t cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.

music notes gif

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn’t have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance company ,
but the work was just too draining.

12.. So then I got a job in a Workout Centre,
but they said I wasn’t fit for the job…

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it..

14. My last job was when I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.

retired

AND I FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Nice collection of jokes. Thanks for sharing with us. :-}

*Worries at the start of the day means u r still alive!!
*Clothes that don’t fit means u have a good appetite.
*Tears in ur eyes means there is somebody u care for.
*The mess to clean after party means u have friends around u.
*Roof that needs fixing means u have got a house.
*Taxes to pay means u r not unemployed.
*Msg on ur mobile means there is somebody who remembers u..

Let’s be optimistic in life because everything around us happens for a reason……

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.

BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.

NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

IT’S REALLY VERY SIMPLE

HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT…

DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK?

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause.’

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Operator: “What sort of trouble?”
Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
Operator: “Went away?”
Caller: “They disappeared.”
Operator: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Caller: “Nothing.”
Operator: “Nothing?”
Caller: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
Caller: “How do I tell?”
Operator: “Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?”
Caller: “What’s a sea-prompt?”
Operator: “Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller: “There isn’t any cursor. I told you; it won’t accept anything I type.”
Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
Caller: “What’s a monitor?”
Operator: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
Caller: “I don’t know.”
Operator: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
Caller: “Yes, I think so.”
Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Caller: “Okay, here it is.”
Operator: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
Caller: “I can’t reach.”
Operator: “OK. Well, can you see if it is?”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Caller: “Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle. It’s because it’s dark.”
Operator: “Dark?”
Caller: “Yes, the office light is off; and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller: “I can’t.”
Operator: “No? Why not?”
Caller: “Because there’s a power failure.”
Operator: “A power…a power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Operator: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
Operator: "Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.

Customer: “I’ve been calling 0700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?”
Operator: “Where did you get that number, sir?”
Customer: “It’s on the door of your business.”
Operator: “Sir, those are the hours we are open.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Samsung Electronics
Caller: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”
Operator: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.”
Caller: “On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”
Operator: “I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.”
-—————————————————————————————————-

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: “Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?”
Operator: “Does the product name give you a clue?”
-——————————————————————————————————

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe):
“If I register my car in France and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?”
-—————————————————————————————————-

Directory Enquiries
Caller: “I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please.”
Operator: “I’m sorry; there’s no listing. Are you sure the spelling is correct?”
Caller: “Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar, but the ‘B’ fell off.”
-—————————————————————————————————-

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: “Woven? Are you sure?”
Caller: “Yes, that’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland”
-—————————————————————————————————-

On another occasion a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: “I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.”
-—————————————————————————————————-

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “OK.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure. You told me to write ‘click’, and I wrote ‘click’.”
-—————————————————————————————————-

Tech Support: “OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”
Customer: “Wow! How can you see my screen from there?”
-—————————————————————————————————-

Caller: “I deleted a file from my PC last week, and I just realized I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I get my file back again?”
-—————————————————————————————————-

Pizza twada hai ?

Jack and Max are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.

Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, “Father, may I smoke while I pray?”

The Priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, “Father, may I pray while I smoke?”

To which the Priest eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”

Moral of the story: The approval you get depends on the way u ask for it.

Aryabhatta: I have given birth to Zero.
Sonia Gandhi: me too

अगर आप पत्नी और
कामवाली बाई के बीच के
वार्तालाप पर गौर करें
तो काफी सारे “वन-लाइनर्स”
ऐसे होते हैं मानो एक
प्रेमिका अपने प्रेमी से बात कर रही हो….
.
सुनो…..कल टाइम से आ
जाना हाँ…..
.
कल दो बार आ जाना ना…… .
देखो मैं इंतज़ार करूंगी…..धोखा
मत दे देना ऐन टाइम पे….
.
मैं कब से तुम्हारा इंतज़ार कर
रही थी….आज बहुत देर कर दी…. . .
कल थोड़ा जल्दी आना ना…..
.
.
और सबसे क्लासिक……
. ""देखो जब
भी छोड़ना हो तो पहले से
बता देना,एकदम से मत
छोड़ना ताकि मैं दूसरा इंतजाम
कर सकूं….""

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

“देखकर लगता था कि मरा है भूख से,

और लोग कहते है की कुछ खाकर मर गया"……..!!!

CHINTU v/s BOSS
===

Chintu ko na milta tha aaram 
Office main karta kaam hi kaam 

Chintu ke boss bhi the bade cool 
Promotion ko har baar jate the bhool 👓

Par bhulte nahi the wo deadline 
Kaam to karwate the roz till nine ⏰

Chintu bhi bannah chahta tha..d best 
Isliye to wo nahi karta tha rest 

Din raat karta wo boss ki gulami 👬
Appraisal ke ummid main deta salami 

Din guzre aur guzre fir saal ⛅
Bura hota gaya Chintu ka haal 

Chintu ko ab kuch yaad na rehta tha 
Galti se Biwi ko woh Behenji kehta tha 

Aakhir ek din Chintu ko samjh aaya 😼
Aur chodh di usne Appraisal ki moh maya


Boss se bola, “Tum kyon satate ho ?” 🙀
“Appraisal ke laddu se buddhu banate ho” 😾

“Promotion doh warna chala jaunga” 
“Appraisal dene par bhi wapis na aunga” 

Boss haans ke bola “Nahi koi baat” 😈
“Abhi aur bhi Chintus hai mere paas” 😑

“Yeh duniya Chintuon se bhari hai” 
“Sabko bas aage badhne ki padi hai” 

“Tum na karoge to kisi aur se karaunga” 
“Tumhari tarah Ek aur Chintu banaunga” 

“Never fall in love with ur company…bcs u never know when they stop loving you..”

……