Corporate Jokes (To make us light)
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This emails sent by my friend PR
3 PARROTS
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
“Rs. 2500.”, the man said. "Well what does he do?
“He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
“He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters.”
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, “Rs. 10,000.”
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird’s specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything.
But the other two call him " BOSS"!!
A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit.
All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the unfortunate frogs they would never get out. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit.
The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and simply gave up. He fell down and died.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and suffering and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs asked him, “Why did you continue jumping. Didn’t you hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
This story holds two lessons:
1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.
2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path.
The power of words… it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times.
Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn’t know what to do.
She called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said “you might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.
She looked at the hanger and said “I don’t know how to use this.”
She bowed her head and asked god to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought “this is what you sent to help me?”
However, she was desperate.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said “yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said: “sure.” he walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said “thank you so much! You are a very nice man.”
The man replied “lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison Yesterday, I was in prison for car theft.”
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud “oh, thank you god! You even sent me a professional!!”
Work expands or contracts, in order to fill the time available.
Parkinson’s Second Law:
Expenditures rise to meet income.
Parkinson’s Third Law:
Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
Parkinson’s Fourth Law:
The number of people in any working group
tends to increase regardless
of the amount of work to be done.
Parkinson’s Fifth Law:
If there is a way to delay an important decision
the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson’s Law of Science:
The progress of science varies inversely
with the number of journals published.
Parkinson’s Law of Delay:
Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
Parkinson’s Law of Data:
Data expands to fill the space available.
Parkinson’s Law of Meetings:
(also the Law of Triviality)
The time spent in a meeting on an item
is inversely proportional to its value (up to a limit).
Parkinson’s Law of 1,000:
An enterprise employing more than 1,000 people
becomes a self-perpetuating empire,
creating so much internal work
that it no longer needs any contact
with the outside world.
Parkinson’s Coefficient of Inefficiency:
The size of a committee or other decision-making body
grows at which it becomes completely inefficient.
Heat produced by pressure expands
to fill the mind available, from which
it can pass only to a cooler mind.
Be successful in front of the people who underestimate you, it is the best revenge!
WILL POWER
Arjun arrives home from the work and Subhadra tells him, ‘Imagine Arjun,’ she says ‘Rhishab who smoked three packs a day for twenty years has stopped smoking. That’s will power – something you don’t have. And that’s not all. I hear Hrithik, that drunkard friend of yours has given up drinking.’
‘Ok, Subhadra,’ said Arjun, ‘Well, here is will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room and I am going to prove that I won’t be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman.’ Arjun kept his word but one night, a week later, there was a knock on his bedroom door. Arjun shouts out, ‘What do you want?’ Subhadra replies, ‘Rishabh has started smoking again.’
मेरे घर के सामने वाले पेड़ पे एक " गिरगिट " ने आत्महत्या कर ली है
सुसाइड नोट पे लिखा है …
.
" मैं अरविन्द केज़रीवाल का मुकाबला नहीं कर पा रहा हु रंग बदलने में?
Once a british asked swami Vivekanand…
“Why can’t You wear proper clothes to look gentlemen.
Swami Vivekanand smiled & said: In your culture tailor
makes a gentlemen; but
in our culture
character makes a gentleman.
जीवन में
सभी जगह हम जीत चाहता
हैं मगर फुल वाल्रे की दुकान
पर जाकर हम हार मांगते हैं
क्यों कि एक ईश्वर ही तो हँ
जिस से हम जीत नही
सकते!
- When
Kejriwal was
born
.
.
.
.
the
doctor
rushed to
his
Dad and
said
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Badhai Ho
Aam Aadmi
Hua Hai".
दो साल
पहले ही दे दिया होता
लोकपाल तो न होती
AAP और न होता ऐसा
हालः Congress
and BJP
leaders
accusing
each other
Boss : There are 50 bricks on an
aeroplane. If you drop 1 outside. How many are left?
Employee : That’s easy, 49.
Boss : What are the
three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
Employee : Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close
the fridge
Boss : What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
Employee : Open the fridge.
Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.
Boss : It’s lion’s birthday, all animals are
there except one, why?
Employee : Because the deer is in the fridge.
Boss : How does an old woman
cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
Employee : She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the
lion’s birthday
Boss : Last question. In the end the old lady still died. Why?
Employee : Er….I guess she
drowned….err…
Boss : No! She was hit by the brick fallen from the aeroplane. Thats the problem, you
are not focused on your job….You may leave now!
Moral: ’No matter how much you know or how
much you are prepared . If your Boss has decided to screw you then you are surely screwed
When insults had class !
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words.
A member of parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, sir,” said Disraeli, “whether in embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues in dislike and none of the vices in admire.” – Winston Churchill
I have never killed a man, but in have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow.
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas.
“In didn’t attend the funeral, but in sent a nice letter saying in approved of it.” – Mark Twain.
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde.
“In am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill replied “cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … If there is one.”
“In feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” -Stephen Bishop.
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John bright.
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” -Irvin S. Cobb.
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” -Samuel Johnson.
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating.
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand.
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker.
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain.
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork..” – Mae West.
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde.
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… For support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912).
“He has van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy wilder.
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho
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