Corporate Jokes (To make us light)

Corruption Logic

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken Fence at the White House in D.C.. One from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

A Politically Incorrect Story

In a hospital, in the maternity section, four new born babies get mixed-up.
There is a German baby, a Jewish baby, a Filipino baby, and an Emirati baby.
The nurse, who was responsible for the problem, goes up to the doctor panic stricken, and asks for some help.
The doctor, extremely self-confident tells her not to worry.
He goes to the room where the four babies are and shouts: “HEIL HITLER”
Instantly the German baby gives the military salute, while the Jewish baby shits in his pants, and the Emirati baby tells the Filipino baby
“Clean the shit!!!
”https://cdn3.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor..." alt=“cool” border=“0”/>

U’ll love this….

A jobless man applied for the job of “office boy” at Microsoft.
The HR interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. “You are employed” he said. “Give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the forms to fill in as well as when you may start”. The man replied “But I don’t have a computer, neither an email.” “I’m sorry”, said the HR manager, “If you don’t have an email, that means u do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”

The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10
in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket & buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realised that he can survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier and return late. Thus, his money dbld or trpld everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US .
He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life Insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, “I don’t have an email.” The broker answered curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!”
The man thought for a while and replied, “Yes, I’d be an office boy at Microsoft!”

Moral of the story:
1) Internet/email/bbm/whatsapp is not the solution to your life.
2) If you don’t have internet/email/bbm/whatsapp , and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
3) If you received this message by email/bbm/whatsapp, you are probably already an office boy/girl, and not any close to being a Billionaire.

Kingfisher Calendar 2013

Only four pictures due cost cutting.

Arabic captions because Emirates are interested in the FDI …….!

Breaking News

During Marine Basic Training Camp, a Captain received information that the mother of one of the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him, “When you line up the troops this morning, you need to inform Private Jones that his mother has died.”
“Yes Sir!” says Black.
That morning as the men were lined up, Black bellows out, “Hup, hey, ho, ho, Jones your mother has died.”
Jones falls over with a heart attack.
A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, “Black, you need to tell Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don’t want to lose another good recruit.” “Yes Sir!” Black answers.
This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, “Okay. All you men with living mothers take one step forward – NOT SO FAST, SMITH!”

@B@R_0_0_D wrote:@

Kingfisher Calendar 2013





Only four pictures due cost cutting.

Arabic captions because Emirates are interested in the FDI …….!

PENGUIN TIWARI wrote:

@B@R_0_0_D wrote:@

Kingfisher Calendar 2013





Only four pictures due cost cutting.

Arabic captions because Emirates are interested in the FDI …….!

<(“)
type above character in fb, and see revolution of penguin ”https://cdn2.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor..." alt=“toungueout” border=“0”/>

@ akkii

I hope this topic is easy to grasp as
Nothing complicated written by me, but all different authors.
Credit goes to them o

Govt.Service

“Two lions escape from a zoo. One of the lions had been captured from the jungle, so he runs back to the jungle. The other was born in the zoo itself – so is basically a city-slicker. He vanishes into the city.

Three days later the jungle-lion is recaptured – and returned to the zoo. A month passes, then two, three….. but city-lion is not traceable! Finally, after six months the city-lion is also recaptured and brought back to the zoo. Jungle-lion is amazed to see his friend.
Jungle-lion: For God’s sake, how were you able to evade these guys for 6 whole months?!

City-lion: Kuchh nahi yaar! I just went to a government department, and hid behind a huge pile of dusty files that they have there.
Jungle-lion: But what did you eat there?

City-lion: Arrey, there was an unlimited supply of government servants. Whenever I ate one, they hired five more. Nobody did any work anyway, so nobody missed the ones I ate.
Jungle-lion: Wow! But, then how did you get caught?

*City-lion: Galti kar gaya yaar… On the last day I ate the chai-walla. Now, everyone missed their chai-walla & their chai! They launched a massive hunt. And I got caught!"

Ram ne Ravan ko maara (R=R)

Krishna ne Kansa ko (K=K)

Godse ne Gandhi ko (G=G)

Obama ne Osama ko (O=O)
.
.
Corruption maarega Congress ko (C= C)

Mistakes that I have made, please you make not

This message is beyond all relationships. It is from one human being to another:

When I’ll be dead, your tears will flow,
But I won’t know
Cry for me now instead !

When I’ll be dead, you will send flowers,
But I won’t see
Send them now instead !

When I’ll be dead, you’ll say words of praise,
But I won’t hear
Praise me now instead !

When I’ll be dead, you’ll forget my faults
But I won’t know
Forget then now, instead !

When I’ll be dead, you’ll miss me then
But I won’t feel
Miss me now, instead !

When I’ll be dead, you’ll wish you had spent more time with me,
Spend it now instead !!

Spend time with every person you love, every one you care for.
Make them feel special, for you never know, when time will take them away from you forever !

New ‘Indian’ car

Alarmed at the declining sales of their cheap model over the last few years, the famous Japanese car maker in its desperate bid to retain hold on the Indian market recently decided to launch a new ‘India’ car that will be based on the traditional silly habits of Indians. But before launching their innovative car, the Japanese manufacturers wanted to study foolish preferences of Indian drivers. Thus, the company sent a panel of auto experts to interview the motley bunch of Indian drivers. This included drivers of tractors-trolleys, auto-rickshaws and even “marutas”, something the Japanese had never heard of. But this was the best mode of transport in most villages.

In order to make the survey exhaustive, the Japanese also interviewed tongewalas, rehrewalas and rickshawalas who complained to the survey team that drivers of luxury cars often obstructed the smooth flow of traffic on Indian roads. The Japanese did not deem it fit to interview the educated class which seldom drove in lanes. The survey was an eye-opener, for the Japanese found that they had been wasting money by equipping the cars with such facilities as the Indians damn bothered about. So, the company decided that its future ‘Indian’ car would be totally Indian, in style and look. How? Read on. Though changes in the future Indian car were a top secret, a ‘desi’ WikiLeaks guy a few months ago spilled the beans. Based on my unreliable sources, the following will be the design of the new dream car for Indians.

This new Indian car will have no indicators since they never use them. The survey found that the Indians were ‘short of hands’; they normally drove with one hand on the steering wheel while with the other they hold the mobile to their ear. Thus, frivolous gadgets like indicators were of no use to Indians.

Secondly, there will be no parking lights since Indians have the habit of parking vehicles right in the middle of the road – hence no warning is needed, after all, you are supposed to look at the road while driving. Most Indians keep changing lanes, giving the impression that India is a free traffic zone. Some seem to drive looking at the sky.

Going by the number of accidents in India, it appeared to the surveyors that the Indians hardly used breaks. All vehicles automatically stopped after a collision. Hence, to begin with, the company decided to remove the hand-break since Indians were, even otherwise, so fond of the leg-break. Remember Bishan Singh Bedi, L. Sivaramakrishna and now Piyush Chawla? So, there will be no hand-brake, only the foot-brake will be retained for halting the vehicle, to have cane juice, right in the middle of the road.

Thirdly, this new car will be equipped with only beam lights which the Indians are fond of switching on, even during the day. Ordinary headlights have no meaning for Indian drivers who seem to race into each other with beam lights.

However, the company has decided to provide an additional horn in the car since Indians are fond of honking even when the road is empty.

But this WikiLeaks guy has done the damage. The Japanese car maker fears that the Indian auto maker, who shot to shame (read fame) with his ‘cheap’ car and recently bid ‘ta ta’, might launch his cheap version with only a steering fixed on four wheels.

In Lok Sabha, a Congress MP during his speech told a story…..

“There was a father who gave 100 rupees to each of his 3 sons and asked them to buy things and fill up a room completely.

First son bought hay for Rs. 100 but couldn’t fill the room entirely.

Second son bought cotton for Rs. 100 but couldn’t fill the room entirely.

Third son bought a candle for Rs. 1 and lit it up and the room was filled with light completely."

The MP added "Our Prime Minister is like the third son.

From the day he has taken charge of his office, our country is filled with the bright light of prosperity"

A voice from the backbench asked “Where is theremaining Rs. 99??”

The placebo effect

The business executive was deep in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy.

Suddenly an old man appeared before him.
“I can see that something is troubling you,” he said.
After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said, “I believe I can help you.”
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying, “Take this money.
Meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time.”
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The business executive saw in his hand a check for $500,000, signed by John D. Rockefeller, then one of the richest men in the world !
“I can erase my money worries in an instant!” he realized. But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe. Just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.

With renewed optimism, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment. He closed several big sales. Within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly one year later, he returned to the park with the uncashed check. At the agreed-upon time, the old man appeared. But just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
“I’m so glad I caught him !” she cried. "I hope he hasn’t been bothering you.
He’s always escaping from the rest home and telling people he’s John D.
Rockefeller. "
And she led the old man away by the arm.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned. All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had half a million dollars behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money, real or imagined, that had turned his life around.
It was his new found self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.
This is similar to something called a “placebo” effect – some ppl in
medicine trials are given fake pills – placebo – while others with
actual medicine… And it always happens that some of the ppl given a
placebo enjoy the medicinal benefits even though they have not had the
medicine – just because they thought they were treated ! Our mind has
amazing powers we can not even fathom…

One of the good books is “Heal your Body” by Louise L. Hay. She herself
is a cancer survivor, who treated herself to a large extent by just
thinking positively !

Oxygen Mask Priorities

Lee Colan

Can you recite the Flight Attendant’s safety speech? I bet you can. You know, the one that goes something like, “…In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from above. If you are travelling with a child, place your mask on first…”

I found this version of the speech made by a flight attendant who was trying to break the boredom and gain the attention of the passengers…

“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won’t inflate, but there’s oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favour and put on your mask first. If you are travelling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favourite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.”

As a parent, it always seems counter instinctual to put your own mask on first (not to mention picking your favourite child!). Upon further reflection, I think there is a broader lesson in this speech for any leader – whether you lead a team at work, in the community or at home. It’s simple: Take care of yourself first, so you can better serve others. Simple, yes, but again, counter instinctual for the servant leader who puts others’ needs before his/her own.

You are less helpful to those you serve without your own “oxygen mask” – whether your oxygen mask is physical health (rest, diet and exercise), emotional balance, intellectual stimulation, spiritual strength or financial fortitude. If you are running low on oxygen or anything else you need to perform at your peak, you cannot be serving your team optimally.

So, next time your feel like you need a breather, take a lesson from your friendly flight attendant, and put your oxygen mask on first. Those you serve will appreciate you being at your best!

Three accountants were in the bathroom, standing at the urinals.

The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.

He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully.

He used 3 paper towels and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.

Turning to the other two accountants, he said:
“At Price Waterhouse Coopers, we are trained to be extremely thorough.”

The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands.

He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.

He turned and said:
“At KPMG, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.”

‘;’;:-D

The Pilot and the Priest

• I knew you’d like it!*

Nature
-———————————————————————————————-

Human Beings and frogs are the two creatures in nature that have tremendous power to adjust.
Put a frog in a vessel of water and start heating the water.
As the temperature of the water rises, the frog is able to adjust its body temperature accordingly.
The frog keeps on adjusting with increase in temperature.

Just when the water is about to reach boiling point, the frog is not able to adjust anymore.
At that point the frog decides to jump out.
The frog tries to jump but is unable to do so, because it lost all its strength in adjusting with the water temperature.
Very soon the frog dies.

What killed the frog?
Many of us would say the boiling water.
But the truth is what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when it had to jump out.
We all need to adjust with people and situations, but we need to be sure when we need to adjust and when we need to face.
There are times when we need to face the situation and take the appropriate action.
If we allow people to exploit us, they will continue to do so.
We have to decide when to jump.

Let us jump while we still have the strength.

Management Stories

Story # 1
======

It’s a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: “Do you know the time, because my watch is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you”
Fox: “Hmm… But it’s a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more.”
Lion: “Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed”
Fox: “That’s ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches”
Lion: “Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed”

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly.
The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: “Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you”
Wolf: "You don’t expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: “No problem. Do you want to try it?”

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene: Inside the lion’s cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

Moral: If you want to know why a manager is famous; look at the work of his subordinates.
Management Lesson in the context of the working world:
If you want to know why someone undeserved is promoted; look at the work of his subordinates

Story # 2

It’s a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: “What are you working on?”
Rabbit: “My thesis.”
Fox: “Hmm… What is it about?”
Rabbit: “Oh, I’m writing about how rabbits eat foxes.”
Fox: "That’s ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don’t eat foxes!
Rabbit: “Come with me and I’ll show you!”
They both disappear into the rabbit’s burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf: “What’s that you are writing?”
Rabbit: “I’m doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves.”
Wolf: “you don’t expect to get such rubbish published, do you?”
Rabbit: “No problem. Do you want to see why?”
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?
Rabbit: “I’m doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears.”
Bear: “Well that’s absurd !”
Rabbit: “Come into my home and I’ll show you”
Scene : As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

Moral: It doesn’t matter how silly your thesis topic is; what matters is whom you have as a supervisor.
Management Lesson in the context of the working world:
It doesn’t matter how bad your performance is; what matters is whether your boss likes you or not

If Dogs Worked in Offices
-—————————————

Secretary