My Mother Died

She was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer almost 5 years back. She was a high ranking govt officer and contrary to popular belief she was one of the few who hated corruption to the core even a decade back when she got into such posts. Didn't take anything as bribe even though pressured by ministers and instead got transferred within the corridors of power. Heck, we don't even have a dining table since we always think about costs. I used to be like I can save 500-1000rs on food outside with friends and put it to her medical treatment instead. She sacrificed a lot since she married my alcoholic, manipulative father and went into a life of living hell with daily physical abuse, the likes you wouldn't even have seen on TV. She lost her father, her only supporter in life more than 2 decades ago and my disabled elder brother when he was 19. Her retirement function earlier this year was filled with teary eyed colleagues and juniors and retired seniors. Around that time, her cancer started progressing and nothing worked even though I tried all kinds of treatment.

I'm not a believer in many stuff and call it irrational beliefs. But since she died, there have been so many shocking incidents that I'm now starting to believe in souls and next journeys. She was barely breathing on the morning of the death. I told mom I loved her and she can leave now and I'll look after her grand baby and everything. But she was holding onto life for hours until my dad asked for forgiveness on my insistence (and that he would look after the family finally, even though he did not mean it) when her vitals which were close zero went into the stratosphere and she finally let go of life 10-15 mins later. The docs said she was gone mentally, but the vitals said otherwise in the end.

I used to be miserable and cried everywhere silently for months. She heard me one day when I was on floor of kitchen having a panic attack and told me to sleep in her lap even though she could not even sit properly for a couple of weeks then. She vomited blood one day and I took her to the emergency and docs said she didn't have much time and to stay in hospital until the end. Mom insisted on returning home and I think she stayed back for a few days more just for me. She was always independent and didn't let anyone serve her even on the day before she died. She used to look my elder sister until she was 55 and in the last 2 years people started her calling her grandma. Cancer and chemo truly destroys your body.

On the 5th day after her death, a baby kitten which was breathing exactly like mom appeared and it messed me up. We fed it and it became healthy within a day. On the vaikunta samaradhane day couple of days earlier, my uncle was the last one to pay respects at around 4PM. A few mins later the kitten got killed by an auto who had come to collect the cooking utensils. This has screwed me up in multiple ways. I have stopped crying consciously since I want mom to move on and not stay back. Grief apparently pulls back the departed. But I still wake up crying and shouting with bad dreams now. My thoughts are all jumbled and messed up. I did not convey my intentions properly, but this is the best I can do. Idk what to do with my life anymore. She was my rock, my best friend, my mentor, my everything. And she was the strongest person I had ever seen in my life even before the cancer. Docs were like its a miracle your mother even survived for so long. But I am not ready for her to leave my life. Her body was ravaged with chemo and surgeries. She deserved much much better than what life gave her. Her family turned out to be a bunch of vultures after she got cancer. This is unfair. Sorry if this is not allowed here. I'm just distraught.